You Can’t Give What You Don’t Have

I remember saying it clearly during a seminar I was running on compassion:
“They don’t seem like deliberate acts of cruelty, rather a collection of little things that, when added together, have an unnecessary adverse impact on the horse.”

We were working with horses to help people deepen their capacity for empathy, and this moment really struck a chord with the group.

What are those “little things”?
They can be as simple as snapping in frustration, being inconsistent, handling a horse a bit too roughly, or leaving a sweaty pony standing in discomfort while the rider grabs a drink. On their own, they might not seem like much. But over time, these small acts add up. I’ve seen it time and time again. And sadly, I’ve seen worse.

But here’s the thing—this isn’t just about horses.

This lack of empathy, the struggle to step into another’s shoes (or hooves), to really see and feel the world from their perspective—it’s something I’ve noticed not just in the equestrian world, but with many pet owners. And if we’re honest, it shows up in our human relationships too.

When we choose to bring an animal into our lives, I truly believe we take on a responsibility—not just to care for them, but to honour their experience, to keep their lives as close as possible to what’s natural for them, and to create a life where they can thrive.

But that kind of understanding, that level of compassion, only happens when we pause and ask:
What does the world feel like for them? What do they see? What do they hear? What might they need right now?

It’s empathy, yes. But more than that—it’s compassion in action.

A wise trainer once told me something that’s stuck with me ever since:
“You can’t give what you don’t have.”

And it’s true. If we want to offer compassion to others, we have to start by offering it to ourselves.

Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading voices on this, defines self-compassion beautifully:
“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”

She outlines three essential elements of self-compassion:

• Self-Kindness – being gentle with ourselves when we fail or fall short
• Common Humanity – recognising that imperfection is part of the shared human experience
• Mindfulness – being present with our feelings without judging or suppressing them

This isn’t just theory—neuroscience backs it up.
Practices like mindfulness and Loving Kindness Meditation can actually rewire our brains to be more compassionate. They help us create space to respond with empathy rather than react with judgment.

If you’re curious to try it, here’s a simple Loving Kindness practice I often share:

Find a quiet space. Sit comfortably.
Breathe slowly—in for the same count as you breathe out.
And gently bring to mind these groups, one by one, sending them kind and compassionate thoughts:

• Your family and close friends
• Someone you may be struggling with
• Strangers around the world who are suffering
• And finally—yourself

You might be surprised at how something so simple can shift how you feel and how you show up in the world.

Because compassion—just like leadership—starts from the inside out.

So I’ll leave you with this:

How is your self-compassion helping you be more compassionate towards others—human or animal?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.